Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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