nut hugger
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Couch. On fire.
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