I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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