So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
