smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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