I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
