I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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