now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
