I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Found the puke drawer
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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