Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
