good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
