Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
