Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
