It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Randomize
