I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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