my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
