gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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