really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
