Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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