dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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