We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
