You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
