Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
