I can't watch pbs sober anymore
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
where are my eyebrows?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
