seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
