So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
