saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
