They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
