i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
