I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
