Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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