Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
