I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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