Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
