I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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