Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
high people should be assigned attendants
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
