she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
