Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
