I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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