I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
