i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
This is the high leading the old right now
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
