i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
