just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
