The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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