The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Randomize
