i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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