There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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