Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
