what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
