i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
