she woke up with a sticky ear
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
