Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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